Friday 26 September 2014

PARALLELS

What happens when we reframe a feminist position and apply it to racism? Why might the latter evoke so much more controversy and resistance?

Anne Theriault from The Belle Jar wrote an excellent piece that I love, "Tired of Talking to Men" about the burden of explaining feminism to men. I realized that it paralleled much of how I feel lately about explaining racism to white people, so I approached her about a racism rewrite of her piece.

Here it is, Anne's words and my rewrite (in bold):

***

I am tired of talking about feminism to men.

I am tired of talking about racism to white feminists.

I know that I’m not supposed to say this. I know that as a good little third-wave feminist I’m supposed to sweetly explain to you how much I love and value men. I’m supposed to trot out my husband of nearly five years, my son, all of my male friends and relatives and display them as a sort of badge of honour, proof that I am not a man-hater. I’m supposed to hold out my own open palms, prove to you how harmless I am, how nice I am. Above all, I’m supposed to butter you up, you men, stroke your egos, tell you how very important you are in the fight for equality. This is the right way to go about it, or so I’ve been told. As my mother would say, you catch more flies with honey.

I know I’m not supposed to say this. I know that as a good little third-wave feminist of colour I’m supposed to sweetly explain to you how much I love and value white allies. I’m supposed to trot out my white partner of nearly five years and all of my white friends and display them as a sort of badge of honour, proof that I am not a white-people hater. I’m supposed to hold out my own open palms, prove to you how harmless I am, how nice I am. After all, I’m supposed to butter you up, you white people, stroke your egos, tell you how very important you are in the fight for equality. This is the right way to go about it, or so I’ve been told. As my mother would say, you catch more flies with honey.

But still. I’m tired of talking about feminism to men.


But still. I’m tired of talking about racism to white feminists.


I’m tired of explaining to men that the feminist movement will, in fact, benefit them as well as women. I’m tired of trying to hawk gender equality like I’m some kind of car salesman showing off a shiny new sedan, explaining all of its bells and whistles. I’m tired of smiling through a thousand thoughtless microaggressions, tired of providing countless pieces of evidence, tired of being questioned on every. single. damn. thing. I’m tired of proving that microaggressions exist, tired of proving that I’m unfairly questioned and asked for proof. For a movement that’s centered around the advancement and empowerment of women, why do I feel like I’m supposed to spend so damn much of my time carefully considering how what I say and do will be taken by men?

I’m tired of explaining to white feminists that anti-racism will, in fact, benefit them as well as women of colour. I’m tired of trying to hawk racial equality like I’m some kind of car salesman showing off a shiny new sedan, explaining all of its bells and whistles. I’m tired of smiling through a thousand thoughtless microaggressions, tired of providing countless pieces of evidence, tired of being questioned on every. single. damn. thing. I’m tired of proving that microaggressions exist, tired of proving that I’m unfairly questioned and asked for proof. For a movement that’s centered around the advancement and empowerment of women, why do I feel like I’m supposed to spend so damn much of my time carefully considering how what I say and do will be taken by white feminists?

I’m tired of men who insert themselves into feminist spaces with claims of hurt feelings. I’m tired of men who somehow manage to make every issue about them. I’m tired of men like the one who recently stopped by a friend’s Facebook thread in order to call feminism “cunty,” then lecture the women involved for being too “hostile” in their responses to him. I’m tired of men telling me that my understanding of feminism and rape culture are wrong, as if these aren’t things that I have studied intensely. I’m tired of men who claim to be feminist allies, then abuse that position to their own advantage. I’m so fucking exhausted by the fact that I know that I will have to, at some point in this piece, mention that I understand that not all men are like that. I will have to note that some men are good allies. And all of those things are true! And all of you good allies get cookies! But honestly I’m tired of handing out cookies to people just because they’re being decent fucking human beings.

I’m tired of white feminists who insert themselves into coloured spaces with claims of hurt feelings. I’m tired of white feminists who somehow manage to make every issue about them. I’m tired of white feminists like the one who was recently called out by women of colour for mocking black women, and then she and other white feminists lecture the women involved for being too “hostile” in their responses to her. I’m tired of white feminists telling me that my understanding of feminism and racism are wrong, as if these aren’t things that I have studied intensely. I’m tired of white feminists who claim to be allies, then abuse that position to their own advantage. I’m so fucking exhausted by the fact that I know that I will have to, at some point in this piece, mention that I understand that not all white feminists are like that. I will have to note that some white feminists are good allies. And all of those things are true! And all of you good allies get cookies! But honestly I’m tired of handing out cookies to people just because they’re being decent fucking human beings.

I spoke today on a panel about rape culture, and while the whole experience was fucking fantastic, I was totally disheartened by how many of the other presenters went out of their way to convince the men in the room that rape culture affected them, too. The phrase “rape culture isn’t a women’s issue, it’s a everyone’s issue,” kept coming up, and though I understand why it could be valuable to frame it that way, the rationale behind that makes me kind of sick. Because what we’re really saying is that if rape culture is understood to only be a woman’s issue, then it won’t be as important to men. Rape culture is something that men should care about not because it might affect them, but because it affects anyone at all. Men should care about women’s safety, full stop, without having the concept somehow relate back to them. Everyone should care about everyone else’s well-being – that’s what good people are supposed to do.

I recently had to do a lot of educating about racism in white feminist circles, and while I was happy that many white feminists supported me and the other women of colour involved, I was totally disheartened by how some white feminists could not see that they were failing to check their own white privilege. Racism is something that white feminists should care about because oppressions do not act in isolation. White feminists should care about the safety of feminists of colour, full stop, without having to make it about them. Everyone should care about everyone else’s well-being – that’s what good people are supposed to do.

Is it really so hard to have compassion about something that might not directly affect you?

Is it really so hard to have compassion about something that might not directly affect you?

I find that the more that I engage in activism, the more men seem to think that my time belongs to them. There seems to be this idea that if I’ve set myself up as an educator about feminism and gender and women’s rights (and I know that I have, and by and large I enjoy that role), then it’s somehow part of my job to take the time out of my busy day to explain basic feminist concepts to them. If I don’t, then I’m accused of all kinds of things – not properly backing up what I say with facts (though the facts are easily accessible to those who want them), not caring enough about “converting” men who might be on the fence (though they could convert themselves if they really wanted to), not being strong or smart enough to engage in a discussion (which we both know isn’t going to go anywhere). I used to burn myself out by patiently laying out my talking points over and over, directing people towards resources, never walking away from an arguments be it big or small. But I’m not doing that to myself anymore. This is my space; I get to decide what happens here. If I don’t want to reply to comments, then I won’t. If I don’t want to engage someone, then I’ll ignore them. Yes, I am here to educate and to explain, but I am not under any obligation to do anything that I don’t want to. That is not my job. If you want to learn more, then that’s your job.

I find that the more that I engage in feminism, the more white feminists seem to think that my time belongs to them. There seems to be this idea that if I’ve set myself up as an educator about feminism and gender and women’s rights and racism (and I know that I have, and by and large I enjoy that role), then it’s somehow part of my job to take the time out of my busy day to explain basic racism concepts to them. If I don’t, then I’m accused of all kinds of things – not properly backing up what I say with facts (though the facts are easily accessible to those who want them), not caring enough about teaching white feminists who haven’t thought enough about racism (though they could teach themselves if they really wanted to), not being strong or smart enough to engage in a discussion (which we both know isn’t going to go anywhere). I used to burn myself out by patiently laying out my talking points over and over, directing people towards resources, never walking away from an arguments be it big or small. But I’m not doing that to myself anymore. This is my space; I get to decide what happens here. If I don’t want to reply to comments, then I won’t. If I don’t want to engage someone, then I’ll ignore them. Yes, I am here to educate and to explain, but I am not under any obligation to do anything that I don’t want to. That is not my job. If you want to learn more, then that’s your job.

I’m going to call on all the men out there who consider themselves to be allies and ask them to step up to the plate and walk their own talk. When you see a woman being mansplained, you be the one to step in and call him out. When you see a bunch of men making misogynistic jokes, you be the one to tell them to fuck off. When someone asks for “proof,” don’t wait for a woman to provide it – you be the one to offer resources. Show us what a good ally you are by standing in the line of fire for once, and when you do, don’t immediately turn around and ask us for praise.

I’m going to call on all the white feminists out there who consider themselves to be allies and ask them to step up to the plate and walk their own talk. When you see a woman of colour being whitesplained, you be the one to step in and call them out. When you see a bunch of white people making racist jokes, you be the one to tell them to fuck off. When someone asks for “proof,” don’t wait for a person of colour to provide it – you be the one to offer resources. Show us what a good ally you are by standing in the line of fire for once, and when you do, don’t immediately turn around and ask us for praise.

I’m tired of talking to men about feminism, but it doesn’t have to be like this. The burden of this discussion doesn’t have to be on women; we don’t have to be the only ones fighting the good fight. So please, men who are reading this – instead of the usual knee-jerk reaction towards these types of posts, instead of rolling your eyes and saying, “great, another feminist shitting on men,” I’m asking you to instead get involved and do what you can to affect change. I’m not going to condescend to you and try to explain why that will make the world a better place; I trust that you’re all smart enough to figure that out by yourselves.

I’m tired of talking to white feminists about racism, but it doesn’t have to be like this. The burden of this discussion doesn’t have to be on people of colour; we don’t have to be the only ones fighting the good fight. So please, white feminists who are reading this – instead of the usual knee-jerk reaction towards these types of posts, instead of rolling your eyes and saying, “great, another woman of colour shitting on white feminists,” I’m asking you to instead get involved and do what you can to affect change. I’m not going to condescend to you and try to explain why that will make the world a better place; I trust that you’re all smart enough to figure that out by yourselves.

By Anne Thériault & Lily Tsui

Tuesday 16 September 2014

Letter to White Feminism

Dear White Feminists: Why do you keep doing this to us?

You. Yeah, you over there.

Why is it that when women of colour share their pain with you, you can’t help but make it about yourselves?

You are able to see that when men turn feminist concerns into whining about their own existence that it is derailing, that they should not be making it about them, yet when your sisters of colour call you out for your bad behaviour, you get defensive and tell us we are too angry or not nice enough or not polite enough or how we should be more like honey and not vinegar. 

You tell us we’re divisive, that we are causing fractures among women who should stand together, that we are a threat to solidarity, when it is your bad behaviour and failure to take responsibility for it that fails the movement. We are allies of convenience for you: we are welcome and lauded when we speak up and add our voices to yours, but when we rightfully dissent we are a burden. When we stand up for ourselves as you do against patriarchy, when we stand up and tell you that the colour of our skin makes the burden of patriarchy even heavier, you tell us we are distracting from  work on more important issues.

When one of us stands alone and speaks about this, we are told this is their own private personal problem. When we stand together and speak about this, when one coloured voice is added to another, we are told we are ganging up on you, when you just innocently did not know any better, when your other coloured friend said it was okay for your to act this way, and you ask us why we are being bullies and if we could just stop being so mean.

You recognize the toxicity of #NotAllMen and the validity of #YesAllWomen but stay willfully blind to #SolidarityIsForWhiteWomen. The irony of #NotAllWhiteFeminists flies over your head.

On one side, where you see patriarchy, you fight against tone-policing, recognizing it for the derailing tactic that it is. On the other side, the side where we stand with you, you use tone-policing to silence us.

The thing is, you need us more than we need you. Each and every one of us have lived a lifetime of intersecting oppressions. We all share similar wounds from patriarchy, but those of us who are not white have dealt with those wounds while at the same time nursing our injuries from a world that is just as racist as it is misogynist. Our army is stronger, because we have had to be. So when it comes time to really fight against the oppressive systems that hold us down, you’re the ones who will be left behind, because you think that our concerns distract from your cause when in fact they make the movement stronger. 

It does not have to be this way. 
You are capable of empathy. 
You are capable of learning about intersectionality. 
You are capable of being a real ally.

Now go do something about it.



Sunday 7 September 2014

To People Who Believe Womens’ Bodies are Property: You're an Ass AND You Can't Even Use Your Own Analogy Right

Last week, I saw someone argue that if you want to keep your shit safe, the only reasonable thing to do is put it in a safety deposit box. This was in the context of one of many, many debates over the celebrity nude photos debacle. What happened to those women was a sex crime, and the case has been well-argued by others like Anne over at the Bellejar so I won’t elaborate further here. 
It has bothered me that sex crimes are often compared to property crimes. My vagina is not comparable to a wallet (although I suppose if I really want to, I could store some stuff in it). My body is not a purse that I could leave unattended on a park bench, or an unlocked car at the curb. I would argue that my body is in fact under 24 hour guard by me, because for most humans, except those that have mastered astral projection, we are with our bodies ALL THE TIME. I don’t know what bank the safety deposit box lady goes to, but I have not been able to find a safety deposit box for my vagina. 

I think the fact that we talk about women’s bodies as property reflects the rape culture in which we live. A culture in which women are not people, but instead a commodity to be consumed by men. We are not entitled to safety, because we are not really people; at least, not as much as men get to be people.

The irony is, people don’t even talk about women’s bodies as particularly valuable property.

Years ago, my house was broken into. I came home to my front door unlocked and complete chaos inside the house. Two laptops were gone, our wedding rings, some other jewelry, a camera, and a guitar were taken. I was really creeped out, knowing strangers had been in my home. It felt like a violation.

People were so supportive. These are the kinds of things they said:

“Oh my God, that’s awful. Are you okay? What can I do to help? Do you need me to come stay over for a few days?”

“Do you think the police are doing enough? Are they dusting for prints?”

At no point did anyone ask me if I had left my doors unlocked, or said that I should have had a security system, or really, any responsibility implied on my part whatsoever.

But what do we hear when someone is sexually assaulted, or harassed on the street, or have their nude photos stolen?

“If someone wants their shit secure they should keep it in a safety deposit box!”

“Well, what do you expect, she was dressed like a slut!”

I don’t agree with people who compare women’s bodies to property. I think it is extremely dehumanizing and women deserve better, so much better. But for people that do think of women’s bodies this way:

CAN’T YOU AT LEAST EXTEND THE SAME COURTESY YOU WOULD WHEN TALKING ABOUT ACTUAL VALUABLES? YOU CAN’T EVEN BE CONSISTENT WHEN USING YOUR OWN SHITTY WORLDVIEW TO TALK ABOUT SEXUAL VIOLENCE! YOU CAN’T EVEN USE YOUR OWN CRAPPY ANALOGY RIGHT. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Note: in case it is not brutally obvious by now, I think that if you believe women’s bodies are equivalent to materials goods, you are a misogynistic asstoupee. My point though, is if you’re going to see the world through such a terrible lens, you could at least be more consistent in your sick views.